Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
