the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
