So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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