is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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