You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
