I just pynch a tree in the face
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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