with your own penis?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
