YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
