Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
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I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
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My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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