clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
