woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.