last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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