Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
