Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
