That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
