There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
