I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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