Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I need to stop coming to work sober
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
