fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Tornado booty call.. dedication
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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