Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
