dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
My boob is missing a layer of skin
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
