it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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