Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
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I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
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Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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