dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Randomize
