you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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