Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
