If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize