He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
