If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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