my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
