No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I stole a fireplace last night.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
BRING THE BAGELS
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Everclear isn't food dammit
That's how pantless uber rides happen
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
