Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
