Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
