I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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