Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
