Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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