I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
