Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
