Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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