I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
