The maid of honor just puked.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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