And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
