I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
