Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
