I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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