just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
