plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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