Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
