How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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