Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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