my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
