I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
