my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
