I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
