why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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