Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
